Sometimes I just don't know what to do with myself!

Really I do not know what to do. I get either into a place of contemplativeness or pondering and cannot see an end. Sometimes I get filled with fear of unknown or unwanted possibilities. Sometimes I just get so sad and low that I just don’t want to get out of bed. Have you EVER felt like this?

When I do… I try to remember a time that was worse that I survived... Like both my husband and I losing our full-time jobs within 3 weeks of each other AND I was pregnant with our daughter. We lost our house and our side business and ended up in a not so nice apartment. But we survived.

Now all four of our parents (My mom and dad and my husband’s parents) are 80+ years old and suffering from cancer and/or heart issues. For the past five years we have been waiting for one of them to die – not because we want them to leave this world, but because they are all in so much pain.

Why do I tell you all this? Well, because I honestly don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to help them – since not one of them will admit they need assistance – OR even that they should be accepting assistance. They say everything is “fine” – but everyone who knows them knows that is a lie. I am not sure if they are trying to fool us or convince themselves. But it feels like a slap in the face that they cannot even be honest with their children. I respect my parents and in-laws enough to not call them a liar. God says to “Honor your mother and father” so I am truly trying to do just that.

My parents do not want a funeral but instead want to have a “celebration of life” because they both believe in Jesus, have a personal relationship with Jesus, and have lived most of their lives trying to serve Jesus… They will be going to heaven. So, my mother for many years has told us kids that we are not to wear black to the funeral home or church. While I understand the idea behind this request, the funeral is a chance for those of us who loved her to mourn her – THEN after the burial is the time to celebrate life. I will respect her wishes and try to celebrate her long life and all the friends she has made through the years. She will be missed. They will all be missed – because they are all very involved in their churches and various associations.

Life will be different without them around. Just like it was different after each of my grandparents passed away.

Speaking of Grandparent… it is hard to believe I am now a grandparent… and I love being one. Both my grandsons are so adorable. I am always amazed by watching them learn something new and I am so glad to be part of their lives. I regularly pray that I will be able to help them learn about God and rely on God like I do. GOD is THE most important person in my life AND it is ONLY because of GOD that I’ve been married to my husband for almost 40 years – OH MY GOSH I AM OLD!

This week, my mom informed me that both her and my dad found out that their cancers have spread to other parts of their bodies and basically there is nothing that can be done. I am really not sure what to do now. I live with them and try to help them as much as they will let me, but I am dealing with my own health issues. [If I told you what all my family was dealing with right now you would probably tell me, “thank you for making my life seem not so bad”? Or be like, “there is no way that is all true”!]

Here's what I truly believe are absolute TRUTHS: God doesn’t change! God is LOVE! God designed us to be love to this crazy mixed up world. And since I cannot change these … What should do I do now?

• I will Love God with all my heart, mind, strength, and soul.

• I will believe God LOVES me and I am His Child.

• I will daily listen and do my best to obey Him

• I will help other people as much as I can.

• I will show other people what I understand “Christian” to mean.

• I will answer questions about God as truthfully as I can.

• I will teach other believers about the God I know and how they can know more about Him.

• I will counsel others (as best I can) with peace and understanding that only God can give.

• I will strive to be the person God sees when He looks at me.

• I will pray daily, read the Bible often and encourage others in their walk with God – every chance I get.

If you do not understand any of these statements, or are not sure about one or more of them… I would be honored to talk to you about these lessons which I have learned thanks to the personal relationship I have with Jesus Christ – whom my parents introduced me to – in 1977 or 78.

I was in 7th grade, my life changed for many reasons; but the biggest one was not puberty or scouts or finding boys or anything like that – it was because I met Jesus as my Savior and HE gave me the Holy Spirit. I have followed that Holy Spirit ever since then… it has led me to very different places than anyone ever imagined… being an inspirational speaker and retreat leader, a book writer and Bible Study developer, a cancer survivor and thriver, the Pastors Wives Ministry coordinator, a daughter and sister, a mother and grandmother, and a partner with my husband in God’s Seedspreaders Ministry.

My best advice, when you start asking yourself, “I just don’t know what to do with myself”: pick up the Bible or open a Bible App and see what God wants to talk to you about today! Who knows… You might just figure out what to do with yourself!